Once more

It's been a long time since I wrote. It's also been a long time since I worked out or are right. And I'm feeling miserable about it.

So I'm doing something about it. Again. Starting today. It's time to feel better about myself and build up my confidence in my abilities again.

So to the people out there who may be reading this, I'm back. And I promise it won't be so long til I write again.

How the mighty have fallen

I'm back. And I'm awake. I'm aware of what is happening to me and I can breathe again.
To sum up my absence:
It was an amazing trip home to Australia and we had a great time. But a lot of bad habits came back that I believe are systemic of my family and environment there. It was a time to celebrate and it's typical to eat to celebrate. But it seemed like every meal was to be a celebration. And then snacks between meals were treats. And I didn't want to rock my relationships further by being difficult with my meals so I eventually succumbed to more indulgences than I planned for. I tried hard at first not to offend people and stay good to myself but eventually I buckled.

So bad habits were back. And when I came home I had put on about 7 pounds. It was the next 8 that I'm ashamed of.

I was of course unemployed when i returned. I have been very stressed while trying to job hunt too. With our household budget being solely provided by my boyfriend, I haven't been able to afford to eat with the same level of commitment as pre holiday. Add in some depression and I'm not really surprised that all that hard work I put in to lose 15lbs is now needing to be done again.

But I have a good job now and with regular hours. I have plans to regularly exercise and plan good meals - not so on the run - and this time I know I can do it because I've already done it once before.

Leaving on a jet plane

But will be back in 3 weeks.

I am planning on keeping to my eating style as best as I can but honestly this is a vacation and there will be some indulgences. I am particularly looking forward to my Nanna's baking. She is an amazing baker. I have been tempted at times in the last 7 weeks to buy a cookie or biscotti or scone or something else a bit sweet. But I just kept telling myself that if I was going to go off plan it had to be something truly special - like my nanna's baking - and not something mass manufactured from Starbucks. And it worked. I stayed true and lost the weight (it was still gone this morning - part of me was scared it was some freak occurrence and would pop back over night).

So I will have fun. And I will be good to myself. And that will mean eating wholesome foods and choosing smart options and walking in that glorious Aussie sunshine. Oh I can feel the vitamin D now.

T minus 24hours.

It's a great day

I had my last day at work yesterday. Was a little weird as I'm leaving behind some amazing people and I feel like it was not my decision to go. But, as they say, when one door closes another one opens. So I will look on the bright side for now and have my eyes peeled for just such an opportunity.

But who can think about that when I fly out tomorrow to go to Australia on holidays! Wheeee!

And after jumping straight back on plan after my night of nachos and cocktails lay Friday (two favourite things I can handle having only once in a while) I am feeling on top of the world. No self loathing. No despair that I've fallen off the wagon and can't get back up.

This is a first. I just got back up the next morning and had my regular breakfast and lunch. Dinner was a special affair with some friends of ours coming over for a curry. And while I made rice for everyone, it's not on my list of good eats so I ate my curry with zucchini. Go me.

I think I've realised that I am doing this. Not that I will try or that I'm going to one day but that I'm in the middle of it and its ongoing and I cant get off. And I don't want to get off.

Mind games are still going to mess with me but I've learnt some things about myself. I can and have said "no choice!" and not indulged. I have treated myself and looked after myself all on plan. I do not feel deprived.

And this morning the proof was on the scales.

175 pounds. I lost 14 pounds in the last 7 weeks. I met my target.

And in Australia we measure in kilograms and 175 is 79.3kg. I have not in my adult life measured under 80kg. I have come close but this is a first. I will return home the lightest I've ever been. The healthiest I've ever been. Perhaps not the fittest but I'm working on that too.

I am proud of myself because I know I worked hard for this. I made changes to my lifestyle and they have stuck.

And I bought a new bathing suit to celebrate.

Downward spiral??

So shizit has completely hit the fan and I've resigned from my job. Two days ago. Emotionally I was fine at work and while my boss (good woman on my side) was angrily eating mcdonalds on my behalf (and for her own reasons) I smiled and declined and went about my business. Professional exterior for 1 more week.

I got home and hashed the day and BS out with my bf and that's when I caved in. I moderated my request for pizza by insisting on ordering from a new place that does whole wheat crusts. But that doesn't excuse me eating 5 slices.

Then yesterday a colleague brought in strawberries and left them to share. So I grazed on them all afternoon every time I walked by. Yes they are a good carb but I didnt need them.

Sigh.

Reboot.

Going strong again

It's been a weird few days. I have been job hunting frantically as I'm unsure I'll have a job when I get back from my holiday. I am fairly sure I don't want this job but I didn't think I needed to be looking until after I got back.

After all the stress it is causing, I am managing to stay on track with a new kind of tenacity. I need control over some aspect of my life so I am taking it on my healthy eating.

Almost cheated yesterday by eating a biscotti but stayed strong. My resistance muscle is building up and my giving in muscle is weakening. Yay!

Come on!

I'm a bit down the last few days. A lot of shizit is going down at work and it's very stressful. I've been trying not to freak out and to manage my emotional upheaval but I have found my cravings have kicked in high speed too. So far I have managed to indulge them on plan but it's difficult. I really have to go grocery shopping but my budget is a bit thin too.

Ack - life sometimes gets hard and it's not fair. I just have to keep trying as best I can.