Once more

It's been a long time since I wrote. It's also been a long time since I worked out or are right. And I'm feeling miserable about it.

So I'm doing something about it. Again. Starting today. It's time to feel better about myself and build up my confidence in my abilities again.

So to the people out there who may be reading this, I'm back. And I promise it won't be so long til I write again.

How the mighty have fallen

I'm back. And I'm awake. I'm aware of what is happening to me and I can breathe again.
To sum up my absence:
It was an amazing trip home to Australia and we had a great time. But a lot of bad habits came back that I believe are systemic of my family and environment there. It was a time to celebrate and it's typical to eat to celebrate. But it seemed like every meal was to be a celebration. And then snacks between meals were treats. And I didn't want to rock my relationships further by being difficult with my meals so I eventually succumbed to more indulgences than I planned for. I tried hard at first not to offend people and stay good to myself but eventually I buckled.

So bad habits were back. And when I came home I had put on about 7 pounds. It was the next 8 that I'm ashamed of.

I was of course unemployed when i returned. I have been very stressed while trying to job hunt too. With our household budget being solely provided by my boyfriend, I haven't been able to afford to eat with the same level of commitment as pre holiday. Add in some depression and I'm not really surprised that all that hard work I put in to lose 15lbs is now needing to be done again.

But I have a good job now and with regular hours. I have plans to regularly exercise and plan good meals - not so on the run - and this time I know I can do it because I've already done it once before.

Leaving on a jet plane

But will be back in 3 weeks.

I am planning on keeping to my eating style as best as I can but honestly this is a vacation and there will be some indulgences. I am particularly looking forward to my Nanna's baking. She is an amazing baker. I have been tempted at times in the last 7 weeks to buy a cookie or biscotti or scone or something else a bit sweet. But I just kept telling myself that if I was going to go off plan it had to be something truly special - like my nanna's baking - and not something mass manufactured from Starbucks. And it worked. I stayed true and lost the weight (it was still gone this morning - part of me was scared it was some freak occurrence and would pop back over night).

So I will have fun. And I will be good to myself. And that will mean eating wholesome foods and choosing smart options and walking in that glorious Aussie sunshine. Oh I can feel the vitamin D now.

T minus 24hours.

It's a great day

I had my last day at work yesterday. Was a little weird as I'm leaving behind some amazing people and I feel like it was not my decision to go. But, as they say, when one door closes another one opens. So I will look on the bright side for now and have my eyes peeled for just such an opportunity.

But who can think about that when I fly out tomorrow to go to Australia on holidays! Wheeee!

And after jumping straight back on plan after my night of nachos and cocktails lay Friday (two favourite things I can handle having only once in a while) I am feeling on top of the world. No self loathing. No despair that I've fallen off the wagon and can't get back up.

This is a first. I just got back up the next morning and had my regular breakfast and lunch. Dinner was a special affair with some friends of ours coming over for a curry. And while I made rice for everyone, it's not on my list of good eats so I ate my curry with zucchini. Go me.

I think I've realised that I am doing this. Not that I will try or that I'm going to one day but that I'm in the middle of it and its ongoing and I cant get off. And I don't want to get off.

Mind games are still going to mess with me but I've learnt some things about myself. I can and have said "no choice!" and not indulged. I have treated myself and looked after myself all on plan. I do not feel deprived.

And this morning the proof was on the scales.

175 pounds. I lost 14 pounds in the last 7 weeks. I met my target.

And in Australia we measure in kilograms and 175 is 79.3kg. I have not in my adult life measured under 80kg. I have come close but this is a first. I will return home the lightest I've ever been. The healthiest I've ever been. Perhaps not the fittest but I'm working on that too.

I am proud of myself because I know I worked hard for this. I made changes to my lifestyle and they have stuck.

And I bought a new bathing suit to celebrate.

Downward spiral??

So shizit has completely hit the fan and I've resigned from my job. Two days ago. Emotionally I was fine at work and while my boss (good woman on my side) was angrily eating mcdonalds on my behalf (and for her own reasons) I smiled and declined and went about my business. Professional exterior for 1 more week.

I got home and hashed the day and BS out with my bf and that's when I caved in. I moderated my request for pizza by insisting on ordering from a new place that does whole wheat crusts. But that doesn't excuse me eating 5 slices.

Then yesterday a colleague brought in strawberries and left them to share. So I grazed on them all afternoon every time I walked by. Yes they are a good carb but I didnt need them.

Sigh.

Reboot.

Going strong again

It's been a weird few days. I have been job hunting frantically as I'm unsure I'll have a job when I get back from my holiday. I am fairly sure I don't want this job but I didn't think I needed to be looking until after I got back.

After all the stress it is causing, I am managing to stay on track with a new kind of tenacity. I need control over some aspect of my life so I am taking it on my healthy eating.

Almost cheated yesterday by eating a biscotti but stayed strong. My resistance muscle is building up and my giving in muscle is weakening. Yay!

Come on!

I'm a bit down the last few days. A lot of shizit is going down at work and it's very stressful. I've been trying not to freak out and to manage my emotional upheaval but I have found my cravings have kicked in high speed too. So far I have managed to indulge them on plan but it's difficult. I really have to go grocery shopping but my budget is a bit thin too.

Ack - life sometimes gets hard and it's not fair. I just have to keep trying as best I can.

Goodbye to the 180s

I was 177.2 this morning and while I know it will likely fluctuate a bit for a couple days, it's very unlikely that it will jump into the 180s (unless I eat really really bad off plan). So I feel safe enough to say farewell to the 180's.

Oh 180's!! You were a comfort to me as you weren't the 190's but I didn't really like you very much. You meant bloat and jiggle and wobble to me and then covered it in soft skin. You were always my low end of the weight range. I used to feel safe being with you, my clothes were big but not plus size and I could eat a bunch of junk as that was expected of a fat girl.

Oh 180's!! I do appreciate the time I spent with you. I learnt things with you like how my body responds to cutting out carbs and grains and sugar. And how good it feels to truly eat vegetables all the time. I think I even learnt a couple of ways to enjoy eggs.
You saw my body first respond to the SBD and realised it was a way to live and not a quick diet.

So I will take these good lessons learnt from you and transpose them into the 170's where I will spend some time in the next couple of weeks or months. Regardless how much time I spend here, I will not be coming back to you. It's over.

Here's to february

The year has well and truly kicked off with a bang. I just realised that in the last month I lost 10 full pounds and that feels pretty damn terrific.

I have also dropped my BMI into a lower category - now I'm overweight at 29.9 which is a heck of a lot better than obese at over 30.

My hormones are wreaking havoc and I feel I have overindulged today. It's the first time in 4 weeks that I have 'cheated' and I'm proud of that fact. And by cheating I ate an extra serve of fruit and a serve of fibre cereal with my salad at dinner time. And I ate the second half of my allotted dark chocolate. So all up I had 4 carb serves when it should have been only 2. Considering tomorrow is the start of week 5 on the SBD (phase 1.65) and I should up it to 3 carb serves depending on how my weight loss goes tomorrow.

On top of things

With a sore throat and headache I'm a bit down today. Was very happy to see my scales still saying 179.0 though :)

Weigh in success

Holy cow was I excited this morning! After staring at numbers between 181.4 and 182.4 for the past week and a bit, I finally dropped down.

179.

Can you believe it?!? Pumped!

Aches and pangs

A minor bout of flu, some hormonal fluctuations and my food cravings are skyrocketing. So far I have not indulged but I am worried that when I slip up (which I expect will happen eventually as I'm not perfect) I will crash completely.

I want to be good and keep saying positive things to myself. I have even planned for the moment and bought some rations of dark chocolate which is allowed in SBD phase 2. I can afford them but I worry my self control is not strong enough to stop at just one ration. What if the planned treat sets off a binge?

In other news, I can see and feel how my body has changed shape and got a little smaller. Tonight I am convinced my boobs did too.

Where does the time go?

So sorry for not posting earlier in the week. A few things have happened and I've been dealing with them.

Firstly - my weigh-ins this week have been unsatisfactory. I have been swapping between 181.4 and 182.4 consistently each day all week. I keep thinking that today will be the day that it drops down to 180 - or what if it was even 179?? And each morning I stare at the same number. I think I'd be happy if it said 181.5 just so I know my scale isn't permanently stuck on those numbers. It feels like a practical joke. 

I have been consistent on my SBD phase 1.25 diet. I have only increased my good carb intake to one serve a day and have included blueberries, an apple, and the last two days I tried an All Bran Fibre cereal instead. It feels awesome to eat cereal for breakfast again. I had thought maybe my body was in hoard mode and is storing the carbs against future starvation mode. Perhaps it is. I feel pretty terrific though and am enjoying the diet. My food choices are varied and I eat salads, vegetables, meats, dairy and legumes happily. I have not grown bored of the food which has typically been the reason I failed at diets in the past.

The hard part has been finding alternatives for staple dinners. Like when we have spaghetti nights. My bf makes an awesome spaghetti sauce and I've been having it over broccoli or zucchini while he eats a giant plate of pasta and fresh white french bread. sigh. it just looks divine. But I know it would be dissatisfying if I cheated myself and ate it instead. 

Tomorrow will be the end of my 3rd week on this diet. I feel like I've been doing it for forever - it feels natural now. They say it takes 21 days to build a habit. I wonder if that's what it is now. I trust so. I am a little nervous that I will get lazy with it and start cheating or something. I better not as I just bought these new skinny jeans in a smaller size (I figure they will stretch a bit). My measurements have gone down again (I measured on Wednesday) and my neck is 0.5cm down, my upper arm is 0.5cm down, my left thigh is 1cm (i don't measure each leg), and around my navel it's 3.5cm down from last week. Hence the new skinny jeans. 

Even though the scale isn't moving, the tape measure is changing and I feel good. I have some NSV's like having to exchange a top for a smaller size (and did I mention my skinny jeans are a smaller size?) and some unexpected compliments and not cheating when tempted. I feel like a winner. 

This coming week I need to increase my good carb serve to 2 per day. I am nervous about this as my weight should have gone down this week with an increase in carbs but it's been consistently the exact same. There is a huge possibility that I am starting to bloat a little due to hormones kicking in. I have begun feeling cranky and bitchy for no apparent reason which then switches to sad and teary in a split second. I will stick to the plan and increase and see what happens. If I hit 183 I will simply take the carb serve down again until I feel comfortable with it. 

I am passed the half way mark on this recent short 7 week plan. In a little over 3 weeks I'll be boarding a plane home - I am getting very excited! It's beach weather and the last thing I do in Vancouver will be to buy a new swimsuit.

10% is within reach

In my reading yesterday about all things weightloss related I came across the 10% lost goal. For people on weight watchers this is not new and I've seen it around on peoples blogs as well, but it's not something I had set myself as a goal. At least until I realised I was only 1.4 lbs off it.

When I first started blogging last year I was 200lbs. It was the 18th of July - exactly 6 months ago. I talked about losing enough to get my BMI to an overweight target of under 30. I am 2 lbs off that target.

I have realised my efforts have been mixed - sometimes on the ball, sometimes barely hanging on. The majority of my loss has been done over two months - the first month and this last one. My efforts over the four months in between were focused on not regaining anything while I dealt with other personal issues. My energy has improved and my self worth has increased. I am happy with this achievement.

I honestly didn't realise the symmetry until this morning. It feels special to have made such a difference in 6 months. My head has been down, focusing on each pound and each day as it's own. And now I am giving myself a moment to look back at the last 6 months and go wow! A total of 18.6 lbs lost on this journey.

Fitness plans

I am feeling confident and strong today. My diet is currently under control and I am ready to start looking at my body from the output view.

I am moving forward with my plans to increase my fitness and have decided to start training for a 10km run in April. I have the schedule set up and my boyfriend is interested in doing it with me. He doesn't have the same slightly obsessive outlook as I do when it comes to health but he's a good fitness buddy.

Our first session is tomorrow.

Tomorrow also marks a new week for me. I am 3 weeks in and 4 to go until I leave for Australia. Excited much?

Day 1 on Phase 1.25

Well I technically started it last nite at the movies with a couple of handfuls of popcorn. Not sure I should count that as starting phase 2 or considering it cheating on phase 1. Anyway...

On the recommendation of several people who have been there before me, I am viewing this new phase as a transition. I am starting phase 1.25 of my south beach diet. I am taking the introduction of new carbs very slowly and starting with adding fruit for a week. Just 1 serve a day for a week or until I feel comfortable with the addition.

At least that was the plan.

I added 1/4 cup blueberries to my spinach, yogurt and soy smoothie. And 45 mins later was in spasms of pain as my body reacted to it. Damnit.

I'm going to continue adding smaller increments during the day instead of first thing as perhaps it will make a difference.

Otherwise I'm pleased to say phase 1.25 is going well. It feels good to have moved on from Phase 1 by making a small step. Good and comfortable. Not pushing it too hard.

SBD transition to Phase 2

So I had planned on doing the Phase 1 of South Beach for just two weeks (like your supposed to) and then a raw food cleanse for 3 days and then repeating. I have since been researching it and come to a few conclusions. 

* Phase 1 is not about weight loss. They talk about a magic number of 8-14 lbs lost in two weeks and I believe I may lose a total of 6 come Wednesday's weigh in but it's not really weight lost. It's water and glycogen stores depleted. It's designed to eliminate sugar cravings and realign your body to a smarter carb diet - fruits and whole grains in limited quantities rather than huge piles of starchy carbs.

* Phase 2 is when real weight gets lost. And that is when you are adding good carbs back in. It makes sense. After 2 weeks (maybe even 10 days) your body thinks it's starving so stores any carbs it does get and your weight loss stalls. 

If I do a raw food cleanse and add fruit in larger quantities and eliminate the proteins I've been eating, I think I'll actually end up losing muscle mass and not fat. I do think under the right circumstances this would be a beneifical thing to do, however not right now. 

Revised plan: Start Phase 2 of the SBD. I might even start it early as I feel like Phase 1 has done what it was meant to do for me considering I was actually dieting on whole foods similar to Phase 2 for the week before I started anyway. Today is Day 12. 

My body had transitioned out of craving bad carbs and I can now stare down a cookie. I am simply avoiding the candy aisle in case chocolate should accidentally jump off the shelf into my basket.

After my little blow-up on Thursday (apologies for the angst) I ended up making a salad and reheating some spaghetti and bolognese for my b/f . I had some of the sauce and my salad hit the spot. Must be better prepared for days like that. 

I'm quite liking my hair now too. Once I washed it. It's relaxed and seems manageable. 

this is not good

It's been a long day and I'm trying to stay smiling but I'm really struggling here. Let me start at the beginning.

After 5 hours of sleep I got up to go to work for a managers meeting - supposedly two hours of my otherwise day off work. It's also day 1 of my long weekend. The meeting was fine - I had to stay to help out for a little bit which I usually expect to do so I don't know why they insist it will only be 2 hours. Afterwards I went to a hair salon to consult about getting a perm. That's right a perm. We decided on a relaxed loose spiral perm. It was long and smelly. It's too early to tell how well it worked. And there is so much gunky product in there that I think it's weighing down the bounce of the curls. I think I look good with curls normally and this was a big thing for me. Expensive too. 

While I was sitting in the chair for 4 hours, I missed any semblance of lunch. My boss called to say there is now a problem from our Head office with me taking time off in February to go to Australia for a visit. I have only been with the company for 10 months so am currently ineligible to be paid my accrued holiday pay. Whatever - I suspected this when I applied. But apparently by taking 3 weeks off, they view it as me resigning. RESIGNING??? For goodness sake. It's a family reunion. And they should have mentioned this when I first applied - not after I booked the tickets two weeks ago.

My boss was freaking out for me and is taking up the cause with H/O. She met me after my cut to discuss options. It was hilarious when she saw me. She choked and started coughing when she recognised me under my newly permed hair. She swore she was not laughing and said it looked natural but I'm a bit paranoid and doubting her true thoughts. 

I hope I haven't made a mistake. 

So I'm at home now. After a long day, little sleep and slightly concerned self-esteem about my hair. My bangs are cute, but my shoulder length hair on the sides seems stretched out and not bouncy or springy like I thought it would. I really want to brush the heavy crap out of it but am terrified what that will do. I can't wash it for 4 days and should spritz it to keep it nourished. Oh dear. 

I had planned on popping to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner but was too self conscious so just came home. Now I am hungry and can feel my will power to stay on track slipping. I have a diet coke on the table so am using it to ward off other temptations.

I am tired and hungry and upset. I want to eat carbs so bad. I want to eat fruit damnit. But I have done so well up to now. I finally dropped off 183 this morning to 182.6. Was stoked to see that number and I think I'd cry if i saw 183 (or more) tomorrow after sitting on it for like 4 days. I don't want to eat off plan so I'm trying to stay away from the kitchen by occupying myself. Hence - here I am. 

When i feel like I have a bit more control and some sort of a plan, I will reenter the kitchen and fix myself something to eat. 

Sorry that was kinda long today and full of complaining. Hopefully will be better tomorrow. Stay safe.

Weigh in

Last Week: 185.2
This week: 183.2
Loss 2lb

I have actually been hovering at this weight for 4 days now. It's stumping me as I thought it would move more.
I did drink a lot of water and focused on eating vegetables more in the last two days.

I am being patient as I know it will work if I stick with it. I could try to be more active as I haven't been climbing stairs or walking more in the current snowy conditions.

Sigh. Stay focused and don't cheat yourself.

Week 1 completed - things I've learned

I am super proud of my efforts at completing Week 1 on plan the whole way. I actually enjoyed myself. I am currently planning on completing week 2 the same. However, I have been considering cutting it short to 10 full days and bringing forward my Raw Food diet cleanse. I was reading further about it's effects and people recommend taking time at home to really focus on it as it like (most cleanses) is intense on the body. Not ideal for my work schedule and I happen to have a long weekend ahead of me starting this Friday. I do not see it as cheating and quitting my SBD plan. I will consider further and make the best decision based on weight loss and general well being. 

Like the SBD, the Raw Food cleanse is intended for me to work my body from the inside to a natural order. I want my body to not settle into a diet rut and my mind not to become bored with the routine. I am seeing steady weight loss and will record my weight and measurement tomorrow morning following my first week. I'm looking forward to it. 

The things I've learned from this week: cravings are manageable if you have a plan and emergency diet soda ready. 

Remove temptation if you don''t think you can survive it. 

Plan plan plan!!!

Prepare in advance!

Reward yourself and give credit regularly 

Drink more water

Eat more vegetables - you need all the fibre you can get!

Say no to pushy friends who try to encourage you to share their movie popcorn :) Stand Firm!

Non scale victory!!!!

I can cross my legs more comfortably! Discovered this when riding the train tonight. I was sure my clothes were looser but it's hard to tell. My jeans have stretched out some (I hate this about womens jeans) so I can't compare myself in them accurately.

My body is adjusting

Day 4:

I don't know for sure that it's my diet affecting me but my head feels loopy and I can't think very clearly today. I'm also particularly un-hungry.

I think eating so little yesterday had some adverse effects. I made these egg and cheese 'pancakes' for breakfast and a vege juice and was very satisfied but I just am not very hungry and it's 6 hours later. I am also starting to tire of the meat product options at my disposal right now. I knew this would happen and I have to push through.

I am seeing results on the scales big time: this morning was 183.8.

I really don't like eggs.

I had the option to eat egg salad today. I planned it and made it and packed it ready for lunch and I just didn't want to eat an egg salad. I ate my packed snack of vege juice (v8) a bacon-egg muffin - and yes this was a trial too but much better - and some cheese. I bought a coffee too and hoped I would make it through the day.

I really should have eaten more as I'm certainly not trying to starve here. And I definitely felt less than stellar this afternoon, a little slow of thought and movement, but I just couldn't eat it.

So how do I get through the next week when eggs are considered normal for breakfast? Hmm. Must find other breakfast options. And never make egg salad again.

Weigh in

Starting weight: 189.4. (last Tuesday)
Current: 185.2.
Loss over the week: 4.2 lbs

Reason: it's the first week I've been very nutritious with my choices and calorie counting. While still eating cereals and grains and fruits (once I even had ice-cream) I maintained 1500cals a day. I anticipated a big loss but perhaps not this much. I had my cycle this week which may have skewed my measurement last week. Generally I'm impressed, proud and stoked with my efforts.

This last week (my week starts on a tuesday) has been a mental preparation for the next two weeks. I ate what I wanted within reason but noted that I tended to eat smart choices and not crappy junk.

And yesterday (being Tuesday) was the first day on phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. For those unfamiliar with phase 1 - it's the strictest part of the diet that aims to reboot your system by cutting out starches like cereals, and removing sugars like fruit and processed junk in order to stabilize blood sugar levels and reduce cravings. After two weeks you can start adding back in whole grains and smart carbs like fruit.

So for the next 13 days I am continuing with the SBD phase1. After that instead of going into phase 2, I would like to try eating a raw diet for a few days. I am looking at that as almost a cleanse from the heavy meat and dairy I consume on SBD. I will likely finish that week by counting calories and eating what I feel most comfortable with.

Then I plan to repeat the above.

Going home to Australia in 6 weeks(!) is my Christmas right now. It's a stronger pull on my emotions and a bigger reason to feel good about myself. And today I feel fantastic!

Day 1 SBD

First day of phase 1 of the South Beach Diet complete! I think I did very well.

I am not a big egg fan so I find breakfast time is particularly challenging on this diet. Its hard to get protein without eggs or heavy meat dishes. I usually eat muesli or cereal for breakfast and rarely hot things. But I found a recipe for a soy smoothie which I adapted as follows:
1 cup vanilla soy (artificially sweetened)
1 section tofu
2 cups spinach
1/2 cup yogurt
So it was like a nutty textured green monster and although a little more sour than normal, still groovy!

Resolving to distract myself

I had a moment of sheer joy and pride today.

I had the day off and have been working on my menu plans for the next few days. I'm about to do phase one of the south beach diet. I'd eaten a solid breakfast and lunch already. A couple hours after lunch I was sitting down to watch a DVD and realised I was peckish. Movies means snacks. I ignored it. I watched half the film and had to pause for a bathroom break. My hunger had evolved and was raging at me and I couldn't stop thinking about the ice-cream in the freezer. Oh just a little I thought to myself already imagining eating it direct from the carton. I couldn't control the thoughts and had given up fighting it almost immediately. I opened the freezer and saw it. Double churned vanilla ice-cream. Now what could I have with it? In a small part of my mind I was aware that i was on the brink of a disastrous binge but when I opened the fridge, there was my salvation -

A mini can of diet coke.

Genius! I slammed the freezer door shut and ripped the baby can from it's brethren of six. I had bought them two days ago thinking to use them as a means of distraction when I faced temptation. I didn't know how soon I'd need them.

I was so pleased with myself I squealed and had to refrain from jumping for joy (my downstairs neighbor complains). I jumped on the bed a little instead.

Bad binge averted. Resolve tested and found wanting but my resolution to distract myself from temptations worked beautifully. I'm putting a gold star on my resolutions chart :)

What a great day and a positive start to the year. Unfortunately I've a splitting headache from staring at my laptop trying to book flights so I can't remember what I was planning on writing about.

Something to do with food choices and feeling full but it not lasting. Hopefully I'll remember tomorrow.

Happy new year!

2011 is off to a good start. I weighed 1.5lbs less than yesterday :)