Trying again...and again

I'm kind of angry at myself. I tried hard for a week of exceptional food management and even joined the local gym (I've been swimming twice so far) and have been vigilantly drinking water. And every day the scales didn't move.
Nothing - not up or down. It stayed the same to a tenth of a pound. Quite disheartening, right?

Well I had the day off yesterday and I indulged myself in some pizza for dinner. Not a huge amount but I knew it was putting me over for my day. And wouldn't you know it. This morning the scales decided to move. Up 2 lbs.

So I'm pissed off. I'm trying to let it go as I can see it will affect my mood all day. I'm feeling all sorts of things right now including fear, despair, humiliation, anxiety, and it's churning me up. I want to stop the ride and get off.

I need to keep going. I need to try again. And not quit. And believe that it will get better. Oh please, let this work!

New Goal

I am joining a gym today.
I am going down to my local fitness & rec centre and signing up. They have a pool and a fitness centre and I can join for a month or get a 10 session pass for around the same amount. I couldn't decide if I wanted to join a pool (I've always enjoyed swimming) or a gym - I need to do cardio and weights - so this way I can do both.

It's been several years since I was a gym member. The last occasion was at a womens only gym. Although the staff were super nice and friendly, their nutritional support (of which I was paying extra for) was not helpful at all and they were only trying to upsell their diet shakes. "Sign up with our nutrition expert - get expert advice" and then she tells me I need to change my diet (duh!) and to do that I should buy their overpriced and not tasty diet shakes. That gym also had short hours and few classes that I could fit around my work schedule. I tried. I really did. I even had a gym buddy join with me. And she lost heaps of weight and it worked for her. But I couldn't make it work for me consistently. Ultimately I realised I was paying too much and not enjoying it anymore and left.

But with the winter weather beginning to set in, the days are shorter, the weather colder and with more rain, I need to shake it up and get out of my rut. I'm heading out to join up and be active. I want to participate in physical activity. I want to make my goal and lose 60lbs.

I was looking at the numbers the other day and I realised I am almost a quarter of the way. I like numbers. Official way in tomorrow and I know I've been pretty good this week. I am really proud of myself because the cravings have set in and I'm not giving in. Wahoo!

Fighting the battle, again

Weigh in: 188.0, -2.0
Total Loss: 12 pounds

The other day I gave myself a good kick up the butt and reapplied myself to my weight loss journey. Like I talked about in recent blogs, I hadn't strayed too far but for more than a month due to personal reasons, I wasn't really trying hard to lose.

I feel so good again. I started with a good toxin cleanse and ate mostly fruit and a bit of dairy for two days. I drank so much water I was turning part fish. After 2 days of this, I felt refreshed and have started eating whole grains and vegetables again.

My skin is better and my head feels clearer.

I've observed a few other bloggers lately have had similar trouble staying on track through September. I wonder if it's just the season changing that has every one muddled. Getting back up and continuing the battle is what defines the success stories though. It is a pleasure to see others getting back into it and I am pleased I can join their ranks.

I took my measurements again today. I wasn't really expecting a huge change in the last two months since I last took them. I was pleasantly surprised with the results. The first date is my original measurements from July, then the August measurements. The ones I took in September I never got around to posting and now I can't find them.

Navel - 112, 109, 105.5 (-6.5)
Hips - 112, 110, 107 (-5)
Chest - 104, 105, 108.5 (+4.5) I seriously don't understand this as my bras are looser!
upper arm - 37, 36, 33 (-4)
calf - 42, 41, 40.5 (-1.5)
neck - 36.5, 36, 35 (-1.5)

Total Loss 14.5 including the increase around my bust.

I'm not far off my goal of losing 20cms overall.

Here's a recent pic. I was trying on some clothes and had a girlfriend take a photo.

This is hard to say

I feel better. Less depressed. More alive. More aware of what I'm doing. I feel like the grey clouds have lifted (metaphorically - i live in Vancouver) and that I'm able to press on.

I suffer depression. I never know how low I'm likely to get when I feel depressed. A doctor told me once it's cyclical depression and that I'll fall into it and then lift out eventually. I don't know exactly how it works but it's mild in comparison to some other types. I guess it usually lasts a couple of weeks so I'm not even sure when hormones are taking their toll or when I'm about to swing low. It happens a couple of times a year.

This past month I have been absent from a lot of things including my blog. I have got the bare minimum done during bouts of energy and then let things slide along hoping to get through. I have not recorded my food log regularly but only every now and then. And while I haven't put weight on (thankfully) I have not lost. I have eaten poorly and scarfed chocolate but not the way i ever used to.

I believe my self control muscle is stronger than it used to be. Yay me.

This has been hard. But it will get better. And I will get smaller :)