Planning and organising

I spent my afternoon preparing the mother of all organisation charts. I am so stoked with my efforts at colouring and planning and scheduling things for the next 7 weeks that I want to tell you all about it. 

I mentioned that I am going home to Australia for a visit in February and have only seven weeks to get as fit and healthy as I can in preparation for the emotional turmoil such a reunion will bring. I have a wonderful family and good friends back home but I find I have moved on from a lot of relationships there (and the distance has truly proven who real friends are). When I go back, I want to fortify myself and the best way I know how is to feel as good about myself as I possibly can. That way any well-meaning individuals who in the past may not have treated me the way I would have liked them to, can still do what they want and say what they think and will still freely give their opinions on my life, but I will be stronger and not take their 'advice' to heart. 

So I planned and organised and did bubble diagrams all to figure out the best way to make myself feel as good as I can. What will make me happy? How can I break this down to a measurable action? And finally I created the Chart. It's beautiful (to me) and took the better part of a day to create. I then went grocery shopping and bought some stickers and coloured pens and now every day I am checking boxes and colouring in and putting smiley stickers down when I have completed an objecticve for the day. Am i a bit anal? Yes. But it's making me feel good and that is what is important.

Resolutions

I don't like celebrating new years. Or more specifically I don't like celebrating it in a big way- I do like the opportunity it gives me to re-address issues from the last year and make plans and goals for the coming year. I have a problem with sticking to them and am trying to improve the way I manage them however. This blog for instance is a means of keeping accountability for my weight loss actions and endeavours.

So I'm planning my resolutions in bite size chunks. I want to tackle a week at a time right now and am planning weekly goals and challenges that I think are manageable.

This week I resolved to record all my food and track my calories and also exercise 3 times - separate from the workout I get at work during sales. So far so good. It's day two of week 1

Crazy christmas

I'm so glad it's over! I love the holiday season but I'm glad it only comes once a year.

I have not written daily as I have been consumed with work and homesickness and emotional upheaval and shopping and so on. I'm tired. But I am resolved to get going again on this journey.

I have something to look forward to as well. I'm going home to Australia for a holiday in February. Its only 7 weeks away. And seeing as it's most decidedly beach weather there (almost year round!) I really want my body to be as bikini worthy as it can get.

It starts (again) now!

Self control improving

I must be in the right frame of mind as I am feeling good about giving up bad things. I am still having some not so good things but not nearly enough to do damage to my daily allowance.

I want to ponder this some more - why is it so easy to over ride your self control at times and others it's easy to be strong? Have we got a finite amount of self power?

Sleep loss

I have noticed that I find it difficult to fall asleep when I am losing weight. I am not sure if it's because my body is hungry or if it's burning fat and all fired up. I normally sleep 8 hours easily and am fine to nod off and wake up when I need to but this last week has been difficult.

And I'm tired. I am flat out at work and know my body is physically tired - I feel it in my bones - but I just can't sleep. I'm not thinking hard on anything or stressing out about stuff. I'm not.

I want to sleep.

Has anyone experienced this before?

Full of it

Uh oh.

I am feeling homesick for christmas in australia with my family. My mum would buy loads of goodies for the holidays and have them out all the time like a smorgasbord. Candies and nuts and fruits and pies and cookies for almost a month. It was a very unhealthy tradition but one that I am currently missing out on as I live on the other side of the world.

I have been getting emails and cards and msgs wishing me well and missing me over the holidays and I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to feel sentimental.

But today was my day off and it all caught up with me. I caved in and went to the store and bought candy and shortbread and other holiday treats. I am at a crossroads and feel lost.

Madness and managing it

So I've mentioned a couple of times that I work in retail. And as you would expect it's a little busy this time of year. I'm under-exaggerating. I have never seen this kind of busy. Quite frankly, after working so much overtime in the last few days in order to manage the midnight madness hours, and managing to stay on track of my weightloss, I am so unbelievably proud of myself.

In a way I can thank my work for not screwing up my diet as I haven't had time to be bored and overeat or anything bad. And I'm running laps around the store so definitely keeping up the exercise.

I'm just sore and tired and need a day off!

All around goodness

Another day down and I'm feeling good. I have not gone hungry nor felt deprived. Almost as importantly I have not felt like it was easy or that I could reward myself and then overindulged.

Each day is a new day and I have 1500 calories to consume however I want to. With a frantic work schedule I'm trying to be prepared with healthier snack/meal choices and working in a mall I have access to other options when I'm not so prepared.

I feel good.

Another one down

The joy I felt this morning weighing in 1 pound down was only beaten by the joy I got finding the perfect christmas gift for my nephew.
I am back on track and feeling good about it.

188.2

Damages

One beer is all it takes to make me feel gross all day after. Sad isn't it?

I met my best mate last night for a pint and a catch up and now all day I feel lethargic. My head hurts, my skin feels gross. I used to be able to hold my liquor. I'm sure it's not the last three days vigilance that have turned me against it but rather a dirty beer tap or my residual cold. It's just thy the one beer doesn't seem worth this pain today.

I feel okay but my choice in having it - I mean that I allowed for it in my calorie count. I just think I'll stick to diet coke next time.

Keep my spirits up

Today was my day off work. I still went in to work however as in the lead up to Christmas my job gets insane. But I'm feeling pretty good anyway.

Energy is high spirits are lifted and I've been counting calories well too.

Yay

Off to a good start

Back on the plan and trying to write daily. I'm convinced my pants are looser today.

I like playing games. I can challenge myself and see what I can achieve. I also quit when I don't see results or get bored of the same challenge. I want to focus on overcoming this quitting mentality. It's my objective this month.

Each month I want to set a personal goal to work toward - a non scale objective that is still health and weight loss related. If you haven't checked out Gretchen Reuben's 'The Happiness Project' yet, I strongly recommend it. She challenges herself to focus on small themed projects for a month at a time aiming to increase her awareness of and general daily happiness.

So I'm not quitting this month. Easy as that.

New start

I've been way off plan. Waaaaaaay off plan. So far off that I forgot there was a plan. I've realized that I don't have the capacity to multitask something like this along with say looking for a new job. Both are things that I really need to address but take up huge amounts of time and energy.
So - prioritise.

I have put my job hunt back on hold as the job I have is sufficient just not satisfying. In the mean time the added energy I will gain from refocusing on my health will hopefully enable me to balance a future job hunt more easily. At the moment it's got to be all or nothing.

So today is a new start.

Trying again...and again

I'm kind of angry at myself. I tried hard for a week of exceptional food management and even joined the local gym (I've been swimming twice so far) and have been vigilantly drinking water. And every day the scales didn't move.
Nothing - not up or down. It stayed the same to a tenth of a pound. Quite disheartening, right?

Well I had the day off yesterday and I indulged myself in some pizza for dinner. Not a huge amount but I knew it was putting me over for my day. And wouldn't you know it. This morning the scales decided to move. Up 2 lbs.

So I'm pissed off. I'm trying to let it go as I can see it will affect my mood all day. I'm feeling all sorts of things right now including fear, despair, humiliation, anxiety, and it's churning me up. I want to stop the ride and get off.

I need to keep going. I need to try again. And not quit. And believe that it will get better. Oh please, let this work!

New Goal

I am joining a gym today.
I am going down to my local fitness & rec centre and signing up. They have a pool and a fitness centre and I can join for a month or get a 10 session pass for around the same amount. I couldn't decide if I wanted to join a pool (I've always enjoyed swimming) or a gym - I need to do cardio and weights - so this way I can do both.

It's been several years since I was a gym member. The last occasion was at a womens only gym. Although the staff were super nice and friendly, their nutritional support (of which I was paying extra for) was not helpful at all and they were only trying to upsell their diet shakes. "Sign up with our nutrition expert - get expert advice" and then she tells me I need to change my diet (duh!) and to do that I should buy their overpriced and not tasty diet shakes. That gym also had short hours and few classes that I could fit around my work schedule. I tried. I really did. I even had a gym buddy join with me. And she lost heaps of weight and it worked for her. But I couldn't make it work for me consistently. Ultimately I realised I was paying too much and not enjoying it anymore and left.

But with the winter weather beginning to set in, the days are shorter, the weather colder and with more rain, I need to shake it up and get out of my rut. I'm heading out to join up and be active. I want to participate in physical activity. I want to make my goal and lose 60lbs.

I was looking at the numbers the other day and I realised I am almost a quarter of the way. I like numbers. Official way in tomorrow and I know I've been pretty good this week. I am really proud of myself because the cravings have set in and I'm not giving in. Wahoo!

Fighting the battle, again

Weigh in: 188.0, -2.0
Total Loss: 12 pounds

The other day I gave myself a good kick up the butt and reapplied myself to my weight loss journey. Like I talked about in recent blogs, I hadn't strayed too far but for more than a month due to personal reasons, I wasn't really trying hard to lose.

I feel so good again. I started with a good toxin cleanse and ate mostly fruit and a bit of dairy for two days. I drank so much water I was turning part fish. After 2 days of this, I felt refreshed and have started eating whole grains and vegetables again.

My skin is better and my head feels clearer.

I've observed a few other bloggers lately have had similar trouble staying on track through September. I wonder if it's just the season changing that has every one muddled. Getting back up and continuing the battle is what defines the success stories though. It is a pleasure to see others getting back into it and I am pleased I can join their ranks.

I took my measurements again today. I wasn't really expecting a huge change in the last two months since I last took them. I was pleasantly surprised with the results. The first date is my original measurements from July, then the August measurements. The ones I took in September I never got around to posting and now I can't find them.

Navel - 112, 109, 105.5 (-6.5)
Hips - 112, 110, 107 (-5)
Chest - 104, 105, 108.5 (+4.5) I seriously don't understand this as my bras are looser!
upper arm - 37, 36, 33 (-4)
calf - 42, 41, 40.5 (-1.5)
neck - 36.5, 36, 35 (-1.5)

Total Loss 14.5 including the increase around my bust.

I'm not far off my goal of losing 20cms overall.

Here's a recent pic. I was trying on some clothes and had a girlfriend take a photo.

This is hard to say

I feel better. Less depressed. More alive. More aware of what I'm doing. I feel like the grey clouds have lifted (metaphorically - i live in Vancouver) and that I'm able to press on.

I suffer depression. I never know how low I'm likely to get when I feel depressed. A doctor told me once it's cyclical depression and that I'll fall into it and then lift out eventually. I don't know exactly how it works but it's mild in comparison to some other types. I guess it usually lasts a couple of weeks so I'm not even sure when hormones are taking their toll or when I'm about to swing low. It happens a couple of times a year.

This past month I have been absent from a lot of things including my blog. I have got the bare minimum done during bouts of energy and then let things slide along hoping to get through. I have not recorded my food log regularly but only every now and then. And while I haven't put weight on (thankfully) I have not lost. I have eaten poorly and scarfed chocolate but not the way i ever used to.

I believe my self control muscle is stronger than it used to be. Yay me.

This has been hard. But it will get better. And I will get smaller :)

this can't be a failure

It's 2am and I can't sleep. I have fears and doubts running through my mind and the wonderful upbeat inner voice that was so exuberant to be on this weight loss journey seems to be on holidays.

Where did that excited and strong willed woman go? Who is this person sitting here writing now? I have been struggling this last week with food choices in a big way. Truthfully, not even struggling - just making bad ones. I haven't cooked dinner or made a lunch in weeks. We've been ordering pizza or dining out or skipping meals altogether. For a variety of reasons I have ended up off plan. But I can't seem to find the motivation to get back on plan right now.

I believe the junk I've been eating has sapped my strength and my strength of will to stay on track. I feel depressed, lethargic, tired but can't sleep, headachey and really unattractive. The scales have not reflected the damage - yet - and I continue to weigh myself every day. It goes from 189.6 to 192 but never higher or lower. I am scared of putting weight back on. Right now I'm also hating myself for not being persistent. I don't want to feel this way. I want to get back on plan and keep my shizit together and lose another 5 pounds this month.

I need sleep and hopefully in the morning I'll feel better about things. I have a food plan tomorrow and hopefully i'll keep it together and stick to it.

Wish me luck...

Sorry for the negative side sob story.

Keep on keeping on

Hello all, it's been a little while.

I've had a fair bit happen in the past couple of weeks and I've been trying to keep on top of it. My boyfriend and I went on a mini trip to visit his parents who live 5 hours away. He and I been together for over a year and live together so it's kind of serious. This was my first time meeting them and it was great. They immigrated to Canada and don't speak a lot of english so it was definitely a challenge communicating. But they are wonderful and friendly and we really enjoyed ourselves. My diet went straight out the window, I tried to stay on top of it and controlled my portion sizes, however I gradually slipped down the slope and ate a lot of crap too.

I've been back a few days now and have had to work much harder to make myself look good and feel good at work. I am supposed to represent my companies brand and wear it proudly and it's made so much harder when I have been feeling so unattractive and depressed because of the amount of junk i ate.

Truthfully, it wasn't even comparable to the junk I've consumed in the past. Not too long ago I would have binged on a whole pizza, doritos as a side, and then followed that with a super rich chocolate icecream (preferably with bits of fudge brownie - served from the tub by the litre. All of that in one sitting on the couch watching a few dvd's on my own.

I have been feeling sorry for myself because I ate a bunch of donuts and an icecream over a whole weekend. In perspective it's not much. And in the long term scheme of things, what I am trying to do now - lose 50lbs - it's forgivable. As long as I get back on track and give myself a good swift kick up the bum.

And this morning when I hopped on the scale and it read 189.8 I felt like my new habits of portion control and moderate food choices have paid off. My dedication in my daily life is working and in the long term my little period of junk will not matter.

Weigh in and hating on me

Eek! I'm a day late in posting but with good reason. I had a great
weigh in at 190.6 so down 1.8 lbs. I'm stoked with that. I have peeked
at a number below 190 in the past week but that might have to wait til
next weeks official weigh in to settle there.

So like I mentioned last time, i've started a jogging program. Day 1 I
totally sucked. Day 2 I imagined I saw improvement and day 3 (spread
over a week so there are rest days in between) I was feeling good
about exercise. I'm no where near being a superfit gym junkie. Jogging
is just one activity I like and it's great doing something together
with my boy. It's a long way to the top...

Anyhow, by the time I got home I was feeling a pain in my left hip.
Muscle strain I thought. Must have worked Hard! But an hour later I
realised it was more like nerves than muscle ache. The pain was
getting to me and I ended up taking some aspirin and going to bed
early. Hence I didn't post my results yesterday.

When it was still hurting this morning I googled the symptoms. I know
I shouldn't self diagnose but it has helped narrow things down in the
past and I always go to the Dr afterwards if it's serious. I just do
it for a little peace of mind. Turns out I might have an inflamed hip
bursa (bursitis). Its a fluid sac on the hip joint that supports leg
tendons. Take some anti-inflammatories (sp?) and keep off it. Great. I
am on my feet 8 hours a day for work and tring to keep on a jogging
program. This is not cool.

Sometimes it's easy to feel let down by your own body. I resent it for
being unco-operative. And I'm grumpy from the pain. Ugggh. I'm hating
on me right now.

Good days and Bad

I've had a terrific week. A friend who doesn't know I'm losing weight commented that I've lost weight and look good. I had a new low weight yesterday (but as it's not official weigh in day it doesn't count on here) and ... drum roll please... I started a jogging program. You know the ones that are set up for 'Couch Potato to 5km' interval run/walk types? One of those. We (bf and I) walked for 5 minutes, then jogged for 1min, walked for 90secs, jogged again for 1 min etc for 30 mins. I felt terrific afterwards - and ok during it - but the next day my legs were aching! I was suprised as I'm on my feet all day every day and thought I had ok strength in my legs. I thought the pain would be in my chest and lungs but felt ok there - it was my legs that struggled. Well, that was day one and day two was meant to be yesterday but instead we were helping a friend move house after work.

Lordy!

I've never come across blokes who take so long to discuss which box to move first and how to stack the furniture in the elevator better... Me being the bossy but super efficient woman I am started to take over as soon as I got there and lo! we were done 5 hours later. The boys took us to Red Robins after and although I'd planned on the apple chicken salad, and was even looking forward to it, I was so tired and had burnt so many calories already, that i was swayed by the idea of a burger. I guess I'm not used to eating such greasy food anymore because it sat heavy in my belly all the way home. I really regret not getting that salad. Especially because after my all time low weight yesterday, it was up 1.5lbs today. Ack. Today will be better.

Official weigh in 1

This mornings was down from yesterday at least...
192,4

Accountability

This is week 6 of my efforts and I feel I need to provide a progress update.

I can't recall promising myself to weigh in once a week. I think i need to start though.

I jump on the scales every day and see my progress but I watch as it zigs up and zigs down again. I expect this so it isn't disheartening at all. I enjoy it even. Each morning I lie in bed and think if it will go lower or higher and take a bet with myself. I love being pleasantly suprised when it hits a new low but don't mind if it goes up. Each day brings potential new low weigh-ins. I have found it also helps me to keep focused as each day I step on that scale I remember what it is I'm trying to do. Accountability!

Because i am zigzaging and eating more calories than when I first started, my weekly losses slowed down. It was a quick first 5lb, then the last 4 have been slow and up and down a bit. I have decided that Wednesday is a good day to weigh in (seeing as it is tomorrow) and then each Wednesday I'll record my official weight - more Accountability. This is good.

I also took my measurements the first week I started. I took them again 2 weeks ago but didn't get around to posting them. Here they are (better late than never) in cms:
Navel - 112 down to 109
Hips - 112 down to 110
Chest - 104 UP to 105 (i'm not sure I measured this right??)
left upper arm 37 down to 36
calf - 42 down to 41
neck - 36.5 down to 36

I was impressed with the overall shrinkage and feel it in my clothes being looser. I will attempt to post measurements every month around the 18th as this is the day I started. More and more Accountability!

And one last thing...

Photos. I am not a keen photographer and don't go out happy snapping but I believe a picture tells a thousand words. Progress photos are fun and essential to measure yourself with as the camera doesn't lie. I was trying to find a vaguely flattering photo where it was clear I had a bit of weight to me. All of a sudden these photos where I used to think I looked decent or even good, are jumping out at me screaming pudgy bits here for all to see!!! How did I think I looked good? The evidence of my obesity is right in front of me - and now you...

So along with weekly weigh ins, monthly measurements and regular blogging, I am going to start taking progress photos. I'm not sure how often I can upload them, but I will aim for at least a couple per month. ACCOUNTABILITY!!

Here's me before I started getting fit... i hate my arms


And again...



Until next time...

What does it mean to me?

I had a poor week eating wise last week. I am back on the wagon and feeling confident but the little stumble has made me question what I'm trying to do again. My original goals included 'to be thin' and 'to wear smaller sized and super stylish clothes'. But i need more than that. Those goals are tangible but...

I have always enjoyed exercise but do not currently do much. My budget currently doesn't stretch to include gym membership so I don't go to classes. I used to jog and had improved my fitness and endurance but this too fell aside when I moved overseas. I'm not trying to make excuses for why I haven't been exercising. It's a big part of why i'm so chunky now though. That and portion control.

I'm now ready to reassert my healthy priorities. I want to be fit and healthy and able to go jogging to clear my head of the days dramas. I want to feel proud of achieving something - although I already feel proud of coming this far, and still wanting to go forward. I want to look in the mirror at this incredibly sexy bitch and know I created her.

Official loss

So it was my 29th birthday on Wednesday. I had aimed to lose 5lbs by my birthday and i hit that mark a couple of weeks early. As it's been a super crazy busy week at work and with extra commitments happening after work, I hadn't posted anything about my progress at all - so here it goes.

I weighed in this morning at 191.4 lbs. That is 8.6 loss since i started. My measurements have gone down at least 1cm everywhere, and sometimes 2cm. I fit my current clothes better and my fat pants are falling off me. I've had to retire two pairs of comfy fat cargo pants that I used to adore but now just make me feel gross to put them on. People have noticed a change and been complimenting me (mostly at work) and I'm not sure if it's the weight loss or if because of the weight loss, I feel better about myself and am projecting a good glow instead. hmmm. either way i'll take it!

I haven't been eating great this week. Obviously being a birthday week I'm going to go out more - but still try to make healthy choices. But it has honestly been the Bitchwork week from hell at work and I haven't been able to think about grocery shopping or menu planning - essential things in order for me to stay on top of this lifestyle diet. I have the day off today (after a 6 day week) and can really figure out the next week (another 6 day week). I need to get more vegetables, salsa, beans, chicken, spinach (for my green monsters!), oats, milk, eggs, yoghurt and goodness knows what else. I'll drag my boyfriend along to carry it all home.

One thing in all this craziness is that I am still logging everything (even the bellinis) into my calorie counter. Every day. Every item. Even if I'm making bad choices, I'm still recording it and am accountable to it.

It is getting easier to come up with this stuff as the food choices are becoming second nature to me now.

This diet thing is working

I need to buy some new work bottoms as my standard black pants (my
favourite pants as they are comfy yet stylish) were constantly riding
low and looking baggy around my bum. This is not cool. We are having a
high level corporate member visit our store next week to meet us and I
can't be hitching my pants up while shaking his hand.

So yesterday I went shopping. Or tried to. I wanted to buy a new skirt
as I figure while i lose weight it wouldn't bag at my bum - just ride
lower on my hips. Colour me astonished when I can do up all of the
size 14 things I tried and even a couple of 12's. Of course the 12's
didn't look right at all but hey it's progress!

This diet thing is working!

I wanted to take photos but as it was I didn't like the clothes I had
picked out. For a girl who works in fashion, I can be a bit helpless
when it comes to my own wardrobe. I'm great with accessories, and I
guess have always resorted to them when clothes don't fit right. Not
anymore!

back on track

I like the days when I get back on track. I feel refreshed and excited about things again. I haven't fallen too far off the get-fit wagon so I'm not really recovering too much lost ground. Yes, i did eat a bag of pretzel m&m's. I needed chocolate and it calmed me down.

I spent yesterday refocusing on what I am trying to achieve. I looked at my goals and realised they are still very fluid so I want to tighten them up a bit. I am conscious of what I'm eating, and I'm trying to eat right every day - not just on my low cal days. I want to inject some fun into this process though. More food for thought....

At the mercy of my hormones

To describe the completely insane-pyscho-craziness I have been feeling the last few days would be cruel and unusual punishment for you, dear reader, so I'm not going to update any progress stories or diatribes of my latest food adventures. I'm going to post this picture of chocolate and pretend I ate it instead.

Revisiting my calorie count

Ooops. I miscalculated. I've been starving myself by cutting too many calories. No wonder I dropped 5 lbs so quickly. I'm down over 7 lbs currently and although I'm glad of the quick loss I know it's not sustainable and that it will in fact damage my chances of losing in the near future.

I calculated my Daily intake using an app on my iPhone (Lose it! - it's really handy and I'll do a product review at some stage) and it asked me how many pounds I want to lose. I said 2 and it told me to eat 1300 cals/day. I know it's healthy to lose 1lb a week which equates to a 500 calorie cut p/day so I need to eat more around the 1750 mark to lose weight. I don't want my metabolism to slow and my body to go into starvation mode so I'm trying to vary things a little - eating different foods, at different times of the day, alternating between just over some days and just under others. I'm going to try out cycling my calories and averaging the week. Of course I still need to eat right and make better choices but this cuts some slack in the routine a little.

Also, as I've been undereating all week, I'm treating myself to Pizza Hut and trying their new 'Eat well' menu. I'm getting one chicken pasta - 450 calories a serve. I hope it worth it.

Too much salad? I thought that was impossible?!

I just ate my lunch at work but I couldn't finish it. It was a salad - filled with cabbage, tomato, carrot, apple and some black beans and utterly delish! I just could not eat more and I realized how well I've been paying attention to my body lately. I mean it's common sense right? When full, stop eating. In the past I would have kept on pushing through that barrier and finished it then gone and bought a coffee and cookie as an afternoon perk me up.

So I'm paying attention to my body now. It's a wonderful feeling.  

I've lost over 5 pounds and feeling chuffed. I'm also pleased with how I have been preplanning several days in advance. With my work schedule, it's hard to be firm with a routine so I have had to create beautiful looking spreadsheets that tell me what my day will be like several days in advance. This appeals to the an*l retentive split personality inside me.

   

Goal (mini one at least)

I lost 5lb. This morning I weighed 194.4. I put my mind to it, have eaten nutritiously and exercised moderately (lots of walking, without breaking a sweat so far). I'm stoked :)

Today is my planning day. I am reviewing the week just past and planning for the week ahead. I know I had a couple of hiccups during the week and on those days, I was lucky to manage and not eat too poorly. But I know being prepared will work better than relying on luck.

My diet has consisted of eating a lot of whole foods (vegetables, salads, fruits) along with some seeds, meat and some grain products - bagels occasionally and oats for the most part. It occurred to me I'm on a low carb diet, but this wasn't intentional. I focused on reducing my caloric intake. Trying to get the most substance out of those calories defined the foods I've been gravitating towards. I can eat platefuls of vegetables/salads or I can eat 1/2 a chocolate bar or bag of chips. It seems so clear to me now.

I knew my food choices in the past haven't been brilliant (you don't get fat by eating celery) but in a typical day in the past I would have eaten both the chips and the chocolate without the vegetables.

I'm craving chocolate at the moment and I believe it's coz I'm due for my monthly troubles. I'm hoping with the reduced amounts of crap in my diet that my blood sugar and salt levels are ok and won't make the cravings insurmountable. I've also started taking a B-complex multi-vitamin which is supposed to help.

First official weigh in

I bought some new scales on the weekend. Funky ones that tell you body fat and water saturation and so on. I hated seeing the little comment reflecting that i was obese. THIS WILL CHANGE!
My official weight today was 197.4. A total of 2.6 lbs lost. Gone for good - never to come back.

So my trick is: eat less, and exercise more.
I am carefully recording everything in my food log and keeping my calories under the set limit. I have to plan carefully the whole day and I've found it helpful to have contingency plans (prepared snack boxes) in my purse in case my things change last minute.

I look forward to these healthy choices being habit and not something so time consuming in the planning.

Fat to Fit Fashion

I work in retail and everyday I am tempted to try on the clothes we sell. It's frustrating because I don't fit a lot of it. When we get new collections in and the other girls start buying it up, I'm limited to the very small selection that come in stretchy forgiving fabrics. They also tend to be shapeless, basic colours and often ugly.

The sad thing is that somewhere along the way my fashion statement started talking and it said I don't care anymore. And now that I'm looking after myself, I want it to say that I've got my own style back!

But until I can fit in to the pieces I want to wear (for their style and not just coz I have to wear our label) I am going to give myself a mini-makeover. Inside and Out.

I started by picking up a book I found referenced on someone else's blog (unfortunately I just can not remember who the heck it was). I looked around for it and the other day found it on sale at Chapters. The Beck Diet Solution by Dr Judith Beck.


SO it's about changing the way you think about dieting - she refers to Thinking like a Thin Person. And with all my issues in the past with dieting and depression, I think it will definitely prove insightful. Will review in a day or two once I've finished it.

On the outside, I need to update a few things to look fresh and hip at work again. Taking care of myself and doing some self-maintenance (pedi/mani etc.) and a new hair colour will be the start. Then digging out some jewellery I don't normally bother with. Updating my make-up look perhaps too. It's fun to be good to yourself :)

Temptation passed. Well done me!
Last night we went out for dinner. I ordered the vegie burger and asked for no fries but more side salad. Hmmm. I should have gone with the chicken burger - the vegie patty was one of those frozen types that looks so processed and tasted really bland. Oh well, I won't do it again.

Afterwards, my other half suggested Dairy Queen Blizzards for dessert. I said no but we went anyway. We're standing in line and he keeps asking what I want.
I somehow managed to dig deep and say 'Nothing. I'm full from dinner'. I realised it was true.

And today I wanted to share my lunch photo with you. I made a full blown toss it all in salad:
with Lettuce, celery, cabbage, nectarine, seeds, dried cranberries, tomato, and an egg on top. It looks good, tastes good but next time I'll make a dressing instead of using the store bought italian dressing - just too sweet I think for the already fruity salad.
Oh well, we live and learn

Guilt and forgiveness

I went out with a girlfriend last night - just us two girls - and we hadn't caught up in over a week. We were celebrating her new job and ordered a pitcher of beer. I had been good all day (and all week) and didn't think it would damage my efforts too badly - not enough that I couldn't pick back up from where I left off yesterday afternoon anyway. I was positive and happy to because I knew my limits.

So, I feel awful this morning. Not hungover - seriously two beers?? - but I feel guilty, lethargic and headachy and like a bit of a bitch. The self loathing kicked in first thing when i hopped on the scales. What I don't get is how I was all for spoiling myself and ready to jump back on the wagon this morning (and food and activity wise I have) but why am I now enduring this mortification and self flagellation? My mind feels like it's playing tricks on me. My past behaviours of talking myself down (and out) usually lead me to jump back off the wagon boots and all. I don't want to feel guilty. So I'm trying not to.

I'm going to try Forgiveness. I didn't do anything wrong, yet right now I'm wallowing in guilt. Well, I can try to forgive myself anyway. I enjoyed it and it was worth it and I'm ok with that - truly. I had set the rules and I plan on sticking to them. One of them was to cheat once a week.

Cheaters

I hung out with my best friend tonight. We haven't caught up in over a week due to her starting a new job and in that time I've made some serious changes. But I promised myself 1 cheat meal a week. And so tonight I made the most of it. Beer and wings. Yummmmm.

I go out with out drinking regularly and one of my rules is to cease drinking altogether (excluding special occasions). I have considerable experience with alcoholics (both current and recovering) and fortunately have never been caught by it. Food is my addiction instead.

But when I catch up with my girl, we typically both need a beer and some girly chat. I told her my plans and changes and she couldn't be more supportive. What would a girl do without her friends? I think our get togethers will need to relocate from the pub to someplace with out a bar menu though. I'm going to suggest we go walking instead of eating/drinking. Eventually we can go shopping together and even buy clothes from the same stores. I dream of this.

Tomorrow I have time in the morning to post some body measurements I took the on Monday. I've also observed cool tools on other blogs to show weight loss in a cute diagram. Being the luddite I am it may take me time to figure that out. I'm having fun though.

And to keep to that point: My caloric intake has been down all week and my general energy levels have been up. My water intake has improved. The scales shifted a smidgen but I'm only recording official weight once a week. I read somewhere that you are more aware of your weight loss efforts if you weigh yourself daily rather than once a week but that you must remember that it fluctuates wildly in that time. I think it has to do with mindfulness - just a reminder to stay aware daily.

My journey to Big

I'm hooked on reading other peoples success stories for losing weight. I find them so inspirational and fascinating, to hear people echo my thoughts and insecurities. A lot of writers have talked about how they got so big in the first place and how they have struggled with self image and confidence. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - something i believe you must do to face your demons, and wanted to get it out there - off my figurative (and enormous) chest.
I apologise if the gory details are too much.

As long as I can remember I have been a big girl. When I look at photos of me as a kid I don't look fat so much as big. I was the tallest kid in my grade every year through primary school and I was definitely the first girl to get breasts. It seems like they just popped out from nothing to a C cup. I had stretch marks in grade 7 on the tops of my boobs and I remember during a swim class, one of my classmates pointing them out and saying I had tiger stripes. I felt humiliated.

Throughout school I tried to be physically active. I had already developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I was an emotional eater and suffered depression so it was only the physical activity that kept me overweight and not obese. After high school I travelled, and the year I spent overseas helped me to realise a few truths - that it was my life and I wanted it under control. At the time, I was controlled by what I felt were my obligations - to return home, go to school, and be a good daughter. Overseas though, I could control my food better. So I developed an eating disorder and was probably the lightest I'd been in 5 years. I was maybe around 150lbs.

But the way I did it, I knew it was sick and unhealthy and wrong and I cried a lot.

I realised things needed to change. When I returned home, I told myself I'd be better. I stopped abusing my body, but I also started eating more. I put on 50lbs in a year. The next 6 years were spent yo-yo-ing. I tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Optifast, Atkins, South Beach and more. And when I cheated, i gave up. I told myself I was stupid, useless, and often unlovable.

A couple of years ago, after some advice from a dear friend, I started reading a bunch of self-help books and slowly, gradually, I started turning away from the Crazy Controls stopped defeating myself, and started loving myself a little. And then a little bit more. I read some more books on friendships and realised how many of mine were abusive ones and so cut them off. I sought Counselling and a Naturopath to help with my new self-image and to help me find healthy ways to reassert my life. They had the same advice: to lose weight you needed to understand the problem behind the gain. So we did.

I went through some drastic life changes to the point where I have almost reinvented my inner self. I moved overseas again, and have become a happier person. I didn't think the weight would move on it's own just because I smile more, but I realised my own self worth is not based on my weight or appearance. I found a guy who loves me as I am and I love him.

With reference to my Blog title, I am not trying to get Better because I am wrong or sick anymore. I am bettering myself to be the best I can be. And I believe I can be thin. I believe I have that inside me and can do it the smart way this time. A lot of hard work, careful planning and eating, and with positivity, forgiveness, and self-love.

fresh start

Lately I've been reading a bunch of great Food blogs and other weight loss/maintenance blogs and the images are always so beautiful. I'm not much of a photographer but I quite liked the look of my breakfast as I sat down today.

I drink Chai tea and it's a brand that print cute little inspirational messages on the string tags. This morning's was about believing in yourself and achieving your dreams. I really like that.

If you can't tell what the thing in the ramekin is, it's blueberries with yoghurt and a drizzle of honey. I also had two poached eggs on a piece of toast, but trust me - it wasn't pretty. Tasty though.

So my wholesome breakfast was tasty, filling, under 300 calories and simple. I like that. Lunch will be similar in style (simple and filling, not more eggs), and dinner - well tonight my man is cooking. He's a good cook - precise. Follows a recipe down to the letter. I like to experiment a little and sub in what ever I have on hand. I will keep looking for inspiration on the Food blogs.

This day started bad, went to worse, but it will get better

Last week, my boyfriend and I decided to walk each day for 30 mins and eat nutritious foods. Today i thought I'd jump on the scales so I could record a starting point for my planned weight loss. OMG I couldn't believe that I'd ever weigh so much. I weighed in at 200 pounds even. I never thought I'd be 200. I've been feeling bad about it all day. Was really bitchy to the poor boy all day (he thinks he did something wrong coz I've been so mean all day) but I'm just hating on myself for a short time and taking it out on him. Will make it up to him later and explain my behaviour.

I stand 5 feet 5 inches and my BMI index at 33.3 shows I am moderately obese. Really?? Only MODERATELY? The word obese has such horrid images associated with it that surely I'm not as bad as all that? I mean I can still shop in normal shops (at least if the clothes are Moderately stretchy and they carry a 16). I can climb a flight of stairs (with only Moderate huffing and puffing).

My lovely boyfriend has never commented on my weight nor suggested I could lose weight so I have managed to convince myself that I am fine the way I am.

WRONG. I am at risk of all sorts of diseases caused by being the Big O, and I believe my hormones are completely out of wack because I am obese. I am moody, have sleeping troubles, poor skin and my memory could be better. I also can't participate in super active things because I feel that I'm too unfit to try. Not to mention that I have too many lumps and bumps to cover up and I want to wear a bikini at the beach damnit!

To be overweight (only overweight!) I need to be under 179.7lbs. That's 21 pounds from where I am. From there i want to Better myself and be in my ideal weight range (under 149 pounds). So at least 50 pounds...it seems so daunting...

I've planned some lifestyle changes and already have been eating healthy and walking a bit more. I hope to start running in the next couple of weeks and complete set goals like 5km runs and then longer. I'm aware that my goals are a little loose, but to be able to wear a size 10 or complete a marathon or anything of the sort seems so unrealistic that I need to make little goals and reassess them as I go. I'm going to start with losing my first 5 pounds before my birthday. That's a month today.

I need to take measurements and be methodical about this. Calorie counting seems to work for most people (on the blogs I've been reading - you people amaze and inspire me!) so I've downloaded an app for my phone to help there. Lots of vegies and salads, protein and some fruit - reduce carbs. I will allow one cheat meal a week as I'm not sure I'd cope otherwise.

I love myself and I'm a terrific person, but I'm capable of getting Better.