My journey to Big

I'm hooked on reading other peoples success stories for losing weight. I find them so inspirational and fascinating, to hear people echo my thoughts and insecurities. A lot of writers have talked about how they got so big in the first place and how they have struggled with self image and confidence. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - something i believe you must do to face your demons, and wanted to get it out there - off my figurative (and enormous) chest.
I apologise if the gory details are too much.

As long as I can remember I have been a big girl. When I look at photos of me as a kid I don't look fat so much as big. I was the tallest kid in my grade every year through primary school and I was definitely the first girl to get breasts. It seems like they just popped out from nothing to a C cup. I had stretch marks in grade 7 on the tops of my boobs and I remember during a swim class, one of my classmates pointing them out and saying I had tiger stripes. I felt humiliated.

Throughout school I tried to be physically active. I had already developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I was an emotional eater and suffered depression so it was only the physical activity that kept me overweight and not obese. After high school I travelled, and the year I spent overseas helped me to realise a few truths - that it was my life and I wanted it under control. At the time, I was controlled by what I felt were my obligations - to return home, go to school, and be a good daughter. Overseas though, I could control my food better. So I developed an eating disorder and was probably the lightest I'd been in 5 years. I was maybe around 150lbs.

But the way I did it, I knew it was sick and unhealthy and wrong and I cried a lot.

I realised things needed to change. When I returned home, I told myself I'd be better. I stopped abusing my body, but I also started eating more. I put on 50lbs in a year. The next 6 years were spent yo-yo-ing. I tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Optifast, Atkins, South Beach and more. And when I cheated, i gave up. I told myself I was stupid, useless, and often unlovable.

A couple of years ago, after some advice from a dear friend, I started reading a bunch of self-help books and slowly, gradually, I started turning away from the Crazy Controls stopped defeating myself, and started loving myself a little. And then a little bit more. I read some more books on friendships and realised how many of mine were abusive ones and so cut them off. I sought Counselling and a Naturopath to help with my new self-image and to help me find healthy ways to reassert my life. They had the same advice: to lose weight you needed to understand the problem behind the gain. So we did.

I went through some drastic life changes to the point where I have almost reinvented my inner self. I moved overseas again, and have become a happier person. I didn't think the weight would move on it's own just because I smile more, but I realised my own self worth is not based on my weight or appearance. I found a guy who loves me as I am and I love him.

With reference to my Blog title, I am not trying to get Better because I am wrong or sick anymore. I am bettering myself to be the best I can be. And I believe I can be thin. I believe I have that inside me and can do it the smart way this time. A lot of hard work, careful planning and eating, and with positivity, forgiveness, and self-love.