First official weigh in

I bought some new scales on the weekend. Funky ones that tell you body fat and water saturation and so on. I hated seeing the little comment reflecting that i was obese. THIS WILL CHANGE!
My official weight today was 197.4. A total of 2.6 lbs lost. Gone for good - never to come back.

So my trick is: eat less, and exercise more.
I am carefully recording everything in my food log and keeping my calories under the set limit. I have to plan carefully the whole day and I've found it helpful to have contingency plans (prepared snack boxes) in my purse in case my things change last minute.

I look forward to these healthy choices being habit and not something so time consuming in the planning.

Fat to Fit Fashion

I work in retail and everyday I am tempted to try on the clothes we sell. It's frustrating because I don't fit a lot of it. When we get new collections in and the other girls start buying it up, I'm limited to the very small selection that come in stretchy forgiving fabrics. They also tend to be shapeless, basic colours and often ugly.

The sad thing is that somewhere along the way my fashion statement started talking and it said I don't care anymore. And now that I'm looking after myself, I want it to say that I've got my own style back!

But until I can fit in to the pieces I want to wear (for their style and not just coz I have to wear our label) I am going to give myself a mini-makeover. Inside and Out.

I started by picking up a book I found referenced on someone else's blog (unfortunately I just can not remember who the heck it was). I looked around for it and the other day found it on sale at Chapters. The Beck Diet Solution by Dr Judith Beck.


SO it's about changing the way you think about dieting - she refers to Thinking like a Thin Person. And with all my issues in the past with dieting and depression, I think it will definitely prove insightful. Will review in a day or two once I've finished it.

On the outside, I need to update a few things to look fresh and hip at work again. Taking care of myself and doing some self-maintenance (pedi/mani etc.) and a new hair colour will be the start. Then digging out some jewellery I don't normally bother with. Updating my make-up look perhaps too. It's fun to be good to yourself :)

Temptation passed. Well done me!
Last night we went out for dinner. I ordered the vegie burger and asked for no fries but more side salad. Hmmm. I should have gone with the chicken burger - the vegie patty was one of those frozen types that looks so processed and tasted really bland. Oh well, I won't do it again.

Afterwards, my other half suggested Dairy Queen Blizzards for dessert. I said no but we went anyway. We're standing in line and he keeps asking what I want.
I somehow managed to dig deep and say 'Nothing. I'm full from dinner'. I realised it was true.

And today I wanted to share my lunch photo with you. I made a full blown toss it all in salad:
with Lettuce, celery, cabbage, nectarine, seeds, dried cranberries, tomato, and an egg on top. It looks good, tastes good but next time I'll make a dressing instead of using the store bought italian dressing - just too sweet I think for the already fruity salad.
Oh well, we live and learn

Guilt and forgiveness

I went out with a girlfriend last night - just us two girls - and we hadn't caught up in over a week. We were celebrating her new job and ordered a pitcher of beer. I had been good all day (and all week) and didn't think it would damage my efforts too badly - not enough that I couldn't pick back up from where I left off yesterday afternoon anyway. I was positive and happy to because I knew my limits.

So, I feel awful this morning. Not hungover - seriously two beers?? - but I feel guilty, lethargic and headachy and like a bit of a bitch. The self loathing kicked in first thing when i hopped on the scales. What I don't get is how I was all for spoiling myself and ready to jump back on the wagon this morning (and food and activity wise I have) but why am I now enduring this mortification and self flagellation? My mind feels like it's playing tricks on me. My past behaviours of talking myself down (and out) usually lead me to jump back off the wagon boots and all. I don't want to feel guilty. So I'm trying not to.

I'm going to try Forgiveness. I didn't do anything wrong, yet right now I'm wallowing in guilt. Well, I can try to forgive myself anyway. I enjoyed it and it was worth it and I'm ok with that - truly. I had set the rules and I plan on sticking to them. One of them was to cheat once a week.

Cheaters

I hung out with my best friend tonight. We haven't caught up in over a week due to her starting a new job and in that time I've made some serious changes. But I promised myself 1 cheat meal a week. And so tonight I made the most of it. Beer and wings. Yummmmm.

I go out with out drinking regularly and one of my rules is to cease drinking altogether (excluding special occasions). I have considerable experience with alcoholics (both current and recovering) and fortunately have never been caught by it. Food is my addiction instead.

But when I catch up with my girl, we typically both need a beer and some girly chat. I told her my plans and changes and she couldn't be more supportive. What would a girl do without her friends? I think our get togethers will need to relocate from the pub to someplace with out a bar menu though. I'm going to suggest we go walking instead of eating/drinking. Eventually we can go shopping together and even buy clothes from the same stores. I dream of this.

Tomorrow I have time in the morning to post some body measurements I took the on Monday. I've also observed cool tools on other blogs to show weight loss in a cute diagram. Being the luddite I am it may take me time to figure that out. I'm having fun though.

And to keep to that point: My caloric intake has been down all week and my general energy levels have been up. My water intake has improved. The scales shifted a smidgen but I'm only recording official weight once a week. I read somewhere that you are more aware of your weight loss efforts if you weigh yourself daily rather than once a week but that you must remember that it fluctuates wildly in that time. I think it has to do with mindfulness - just a reminder to stay aware daily.

My journey to Big

I'm hooked on reading other peoples success stories for losing weight. I find them so inspirational and fascinating, to hear people echo my thoughts and insecurities. A lot of writers have talked about how they got so big in the first place and how they have struggled with self image and confidence. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - something i believe you must do to face your demons, and wanted to get it out there - off my figurative (and enormous) chest.
I apologise if the gory details are too much.

As long as I can remember I have been a big girl. When I look at photos of me as a kid I don't look fat so much as big. I was the tallest kid in my grade every year through primary school and I was definitely the first girl to get breasts. It seems like they just popped out from nothing to a C cup. I had stretch marks in grade 7 on the tops of my boobs and I remember during a swim class, one of my classmates pointing them out and saying I had tiger stripes. I felt humiliated.

Throughout school I tried to be physically active. I had already developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I was an emotional eater and suffered depression so it was only the physical activity that kept me overweight and not obese. After high school I travelled, and the year I spent overseas helped me to realise a few truths - that it was my life and I wanted it under control. At the time, I was controlled by what I felt were my obligations - to return home, go to school, and be a good daughter. Overseas though, I could control my food better. So I developed an eating disorder and was probably the lightest I'd been in 5 years. I was maybe around 150lbs.

But the way I did it, I knew it was sick and unhealthy and wrong and I cried a lot.

I realised things needed to change. When I returned home, I told myself I'd be better. I stopped abusing my body, but I also started eating more. I put on 50lbs in a year. The next 6 years were spent yo-yo-ing. I tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Optifast, Atkins, South Beach and more. And when I cheated, i gave up. I told myself I was stupid, useless, and often unlovable.

A couple of years ago, after some advice from a dear friend, I started reading a bunch of self-help books and slowly, gradually, I started turning away from the Crazy Controls stopped defeating myself, and started loving myself a little. And then a little bit more. I read some more books on friendships and realised how many of mine were abusive ones and so cut them off. I sought Counselling and a Naturopath to help with my new self-image and to help me find healthy ways to reassert my life. They had the same advice: to lose weight you needed to understand the problem behind the gain. So we did.

I went through some drastic life changes to the point where I have almost reinvented my inner self. I moved overseas again, and have become a happier person. I didn't think the weight would move on it's own just because I smile more, but I realised my own self worth is not based on my weight or appearance. I found a guy who loves me as I am and I love him.

With reference to my Blog title, I am not trying to get Better because I am wrong or sick anymore. I am bettering myself to be the best I can be. And I believe I can be thin. I believe I have that inside me and can do it the smart way this time. A lot of hard work, careful planning and eating, and with positivity, forgiveness, and self-love.

fresh start

Lately I've been reading a bunch of great Food blogs and other weight loss/maintenance blogs and the images are always so beautiful. I'm not much of a photographer but I quite liked the look of my breakfast as I sat down today.

I drink Chai tea and it's a brand that print cute little inspirational messages on the string tags. This morning's was about believing in yourself and achieving your dreams. I really like that.

If you can't tell what the thing in the ramekin is, it's blueberries with yoghurt and a drizzle of honey. I also had two poached eggs on a piece of toast, but trust me - it wasn't pretty. Tasty though.

So my wholesome breakfast was tasty, filling, under 300 calories and simple. I like that. Lunch will be similar in style (simple and filling, not more eggs), and dinner - well tonight my man is cooking. He's a good cook - precise. Follows a recipe down to the letter. I like to experiment a little and sub in what ever I have on hand. I will keep looking for inspiration on the Food blogs.

This day started bad, went to worse, but it will get better

Last week, my boyfriend and I decided to walk each day for 30 mins and eat nutritious foods. Today i thought I'd jump on the scales so I could record a starting point for my planned weight loss. OMG I couldn't believe that I'd ever weigh so much. I weighed in at 200 pounds even. I never thought I'd be 200. I've been feeling bad about it all day. Was really bitchy to the poor boy all day (he thinks he did something wrong coz I've been so mean all day) but I'm just hating on myself for a short time and taking it out on him. Will make it up to him later and explain my behaviour.

I stand 5 feet 5 inches and my BMI index at 33.3 shows I am moderately obese. Really?? Only MODERATELY? The word obese has such horrid images associated with it that surely I'm not as bad as all that? I mean I can still shop in normal shops (at least if the clothes are Moderately stretchy and they carry a 16). I can climb a flight of stairs (with only Moderate huffing and puffing).

My lovely boyfriend has never commented on my weight nor suggested I could lose weight so I have managed to convince myself that I am fine the way I am.

WRONG. I am at risk of all sorts of diseases caused by being the Big O, and I believe my hormones are completely out of wack because I am obese. I am moody, have sleeping troubles, poor skin and my memory could be better. I also can't participate in super active things because I feel that I'm too unfit to try. Not to mention that I have too many lumps and bumps to cover up and I want to wear a bikini at the beach damnit!

To be overweight (only overweight!) I need to be under 179.7lbs. That's 21 pounds from where I am. From there i want to Better myself and be in my ideal weight range (under 149 pounds). So at least 50 pounds...it seems so daunting...

I've planned some lifestyle changes and already have been eating healthy and walking a bit more. I hope to start running in the next couple of weeks and complete set goals like 5km runs and then longer. I'm aware that my goals are a little loose, but to be able to wear a size 10 or complete a marathon or anything of the sort seems so unrealistic that I need to make little goals and reassess them as I go. I'm going to start with losing my first 5 pounds before my birthday. That's a month today.

I need to take measurements and be methodical about this. Calorie counting seems to work for most people (on the blogs I've been reading - you people amaze and inspire me!) so I've downloaded an app for my phone to help there. Lots of vegies and salads, protein and some fruit - reduce carbs. I will allow one cheat meal a week as I'm not sure I'd cope otherwise.

I love myself and I'm a terrific person, but I'm capable of getting Better.